How To Have An Orgasm During Intercourse

There are plenty of other forms of sexual activity which a couple can enjoy, all of which may or may not give you an orgasm, and all of which may or may not take the place of sexual intercourse for a couple during a session of sex.

 In other words, sex does not begin and end with intercourse, though it is fair to say that for most men it is an important aspect of their sexual lives.

But it can be very freeing to get away from the belief that makes sexual intercourse the most important (or even the only valid) form of sexual activity between a couple.

It may also take away pressure – both physical and emotional – if a couple decide to stop having sexual intercourse every time they get sexual and instead substitute masturbation, oral sex, cuddling, massage, sucking, licking, kissing and other forms of sex play.

This may well enable men with premature ejaculation to control themselves much better, and to enable men with delayed ejaculation to reach a level of arousal at which they can comfortably ejaculate.

A relevant question here, of course, is the connection (or lack of it) between love and sex – what makes us fall in love, what makes us feel sexual desire, and do they always go together?

The best way to get around this question is to ensure that the man knows how to give a woman an orgasm, and that she knows the way he likes to be pleasured.

How a man can “give” a woman an orgasm

First, be aware that very few women do reach orgasm during intercourse, and it’s actually quite natural not to have an orgasm during sex. As long as she gets an orgasm at some point, through manual play (masturbation, to be less coy) or oral sex, then all is well. You need, as always, to talk to your partner about what the issues are for you both in sexual intercourse and how you reach orgasm…..so think about these things:

• How do you feel if sex does not include intercourse?

• What does sexual intercourse mean to you – is it a sign of love? Is it a sign of commitment?

• What is the significance that leads you to put such an importance on sex?

• Does sexual intercourse lead to you feeling emotionally more connected to your partner?

• What do you enjoy about sexual intercourse besides the physical pleasure of penetration (e.g. greater intimacy, satisfying your partner, feeling him inside you)?

• How important do you think it is for the man to ejaculate – and how does it feel if that happens outside your vagina?

• How do you both feel if the female partner has an orgasm but this does not take place during intercourse?

Sexual intercourse carries a lot of emotional significance, so spend a little time now just thinking about what it actually means to you both: consider what it signifies, and what meanings you derive from it and how these relate to your relationship. For example, you may need to change the way you have sexual intercourse so that it accommodates both partners’ feelings of love and sexual desires… 

Orgasm and sexual intercourse

If you desire to have orgasm during intercourse, there are several ways you can do more of what is working for you – but 
remember that there is no pressure to perform here. This is not about having an orgasm every time you have intercourse. Indeed, the less pressure you feel, the more relaxed you will be and the better your sexual experience is likely to be.

As you become more sexually aware, more orgasmic, you will enjoy sex more and more and find that your arousal increases and you slip naturally into the experience of sex.

But until then, you may find that various feelings and emotions come up which make it hard for you to enjoy sex fully.

Suppose, for example, that feelings associated with past negative experiences of sex come up: the easiest way to deal with these is to talk to your partner about them and express them, rather than hold them inside.

Discharging them is much healthier and more likely to assist you in letting go of sexual inhibitions. In addition, sharing your feelings will bring you closer as a couple, and it may also help you to achieve your objective of reaching orgasm.

Within a relationship, the giving and receiving of orgasm is not one partner’s prerogative. A man needs to know how to do what will pleasure himself and pleasure his partner. The same is true for a woman.  Sometimes you need to try and work out a compromise; here are some general guidelines which may help you when you face a situation like this.

• Remember that you are not changing your lover, you are seeking a change in your relationship. You have probably no right to expect a person to change their ways just to suit you, nor should you expect to be able to change them (a frequent mistake made by women)! If you tell a person what’s wrong with them, and why they should change, you are not in any way likely to alter their behavior, thoughts, feelings and attitudes (except possibly to make them more hostile towards you)! You may well cause a lot of resentment. People don’t like being told to change. And it’s not the way the human mind works, either – a much better approach is to set out a plan to contribute to change in the relationship, so that the process becomes a common goal.

• If you agree with your partner that certain things need to be changed, then that is the place to start. As you work on the common ground, the other areas of your relationship where you can seek change will emerge naturally and in their own time.

• Set out a clear plan for change in your relationship – be sure that you have specific objectives, and you know how to express them clearly. If you wanted your partner to be more considerate of your need for foreplay, for example, you might say: “I want you to cuddle for thirty minutes before we start touching each other sexually” rather than “I need more foreplay!”

• Rather than try and change a large aspect of the situation, you could start by working on small chunks of the problem. Small changes build up over time into large changes, and they may be more acceptable and less threatening to your partner.

• Make sure that the lines of communication and understanding remain open. Discuss what works for you and what doesn’t work for you with your partner, and express your feelings, including any discouragement as well as optimism. It’s also helpful to express in a clean, direct, honest way what you feel about yourself and your partner, though this should be done without blame or resentment.

• Be sure to find the right way to express your appreciation for your partner and what they are doing to co-operate on the work you are doing together. It may be a word, a gesture, an act; but if you know each other well and take the time to reflect on what is significant to your partner, it won’t be hard to find a way of expressing your gratitude.

• And of course don’t forget that we often miss the things we are doing which are causing disharmony and disruption. You do have some responsibility to modify your own thoughts, feelings, actions and behavior in this situation, and the way to do this is to agree with your partner what they see as needing input from you. You can discuss with them what objectives you should be striving for.

• Suppose that you don’t always agree on what needs to change? Do you see your partner as blocking your progress in some way? Can you discuss this with them? If not, can you go to couples therapy together to get the issue dealt with rapidly and effectively?