Men with delayed ejaculation are often puzzled by the cause of their difficulty reaching orgasm and ejaculating during sexual intercourse.
Yet at the same time it’s highly likely that many of them have learned to self-pleasure in an idosyncratoc way, in other words, to masturbate in a particular fashion.
Regardless of whether this was caused by the way they learned to masturbate during adolescence or not, what they seem to have in common is a pattern of hard and fast movements of their hand on their penis.
Some men substitute thrusting against the mattress for hand stimulation. But in all cases, it’s certainly true to say that the movements that the man uses to stimulate himself to orgasm during self pleasuring are hard and fast.
Most men who do this are also intuitively aware of an underlying cause: for exmaple, sexual guilt or shame induced by an atmosphere in childhood where sex was taboo. It might be due to a shaming experience in late adolescence or early adulthood.
Emotional detachment is a classic characteristic of delayed ejaculation, as this book explains. It seems logical that one way in which this could manifest is by hard and fast masturbation in an emotionally detached way for pure physical sexual relief.
A man therefore disconnects from his sexual feelings and his sense of intimacy with a partner, and thereby ensures that he cannot get sexually aroused to the extent necessary for ejaculation.
In some way every man’s story who has delayed ejaculation is a variant of that generalized outline. So delayed ejaculation can be caused by sexual trauma, which causes a man to disconnect from his sexual desire and potentially from his emotions as well.
That’s a sure recipe for low arousal, and that in turn means that a man cannot reach orgasm and ejaculate during sexual intercourse.
He can, however, during masturbation because the level of stimulation – that is to say physical stimulation – which he can apply is much harder. He can use hard movements of his hand to overcome any emotional inhibitions and reach the point of no return – otherwise known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
Bear in mind also that masturbation can be a purely physical act for a man. Be this as it may, one of the cures for delayed ejaculation lies in the possibility of ensuring a man’s level of sexual arousal is much greater.
You may be wondering how, if the problem with low sexual arousal originates from his interaction with his partner, this can possibly be remedied.
Oddly enough, the answer is quite simple. A man and his partner try a series of exercises to build intimacy which feel safe and also gradually increase in intensity. Then he is effectively “re-educated” at some level to understand that sexual interaction with a partner is “emotionally safe”.
This in turn will enable him to open himself up to an interaction of love or affection with his partner – and even perhaps anger or fear – but at least he will be feeling. And when he begins to feel, he can then reach the point of emotional and sexual arousal necessary for ejaculation.
Sex really can become attractive rather than threatening. Having said all that, this is only going to work when the man is actually willing to engage in a treatment protocol which can take him to that point.
So in other words a man has to be motivated to overcome his difficulties.
Another possibility is that a man may simply never have learned how to become sexually aroused. Often the cause of that particular energy can be found in an attitude towards sexual activity or sexuality in the family of origin.
In all cases, becoming more aroused is the key to solving the problem of delayed ejaculation as an adult.
The Difference Between Orgasm and Ejaculation
This is explained here. An important point is that orgasm is a mental experience. And ejaculation is a reflex reaction that is triggered by physical contact to the penis and other sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body.
When a man’s sexual arousal reaches a near-climactic threshold, the flow of semen near the farthest point of the the urethra increases the pressure at the base of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole set of reflex bodily reactions including flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle. This response is controlled by the involuntary nervous system.
Orgasm, which does not occur in men with delayed ejaculation, is a sensory experience felt in the brain. Orgasm depends on a state of high sexual arousal, and a subconscious experience of sexual release which produces pleasurable feelings throughout the body.
The absence of orgasm is particularly troubling for these men; no matter how they may try, they cannot command orgasm. Oddly, many men with delayed ejaculation are able to climax easily enough from masturbation.
Video – delayed ejaculation
So perhaps a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate or reach orgasm during sex with a partner might only mean that he needs a heightened degree of sexual arousal pleasure before he can reach orgasm. And he may only command such a level of arousal while pleasuring himself.
And it is true that slowness in reaching orgasm can often be attributed to the fact that the man is able to use high intensity and frequency stroking during masturbation in a way that cannot be matched during sex with a partner.
Then, the cure for delayed ejaculation lies in the form of retraining the body, the penis and the mind, to respond to a slightly different form of pleasuring, one that can bring about a climax in the course of sexual activity.
The Importance of Relationship
Some couples see delayed ejaculation as a burden, and yet at the same time, feel powerless to reach out to their partner and begin a rational conversation about these problems with ejaculation.
Moreover, even without resentment, anger, or any other negative feelings on the part of the male towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific kind of male personality which is predisposed to delayed or slow ejaculation and a lack of orgasm.
Based on the most current thinking, a person who is in some way detached from his own arousal, and who is generally unaware of how aroused he is during sex may lack orgasm.
He may demand too much of himself during sex, and consider sex with his partner as some obligation.
He may also see himself as responsible for his female partner’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction, thinking that the woman’s pleasure must be considered before anything else.
No wonder orgasm is lacking! These men often perceive themselves as hard workers, thrusting endlessly (often to no avail) to bring intercourse to a successful conclusion (i.e. an orgasm for one, other or both participants).
An important factor in this arrangement is that many of the partners of males suffering from this delayed ejaculation tend to be unmotivated about sex, and have a tacit understanding that the male is somehow responsible for their sexual gratification.
The truth is, they are lacking a functional system of commanding orgasmic pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly valuable to re-educate the sex partners and give them some useful sexual techniques.
This way, their expectations around orgasm and sexual pleasure can be brought closer to reality.
The one recurring characteristic of men who have this type of individual profile is that they generally lack a sense of their personal level of arousal.
To put it simply, their own erotic world is lacking; they are left in a frustrating state of sexual confusion and lack of arousal in which the commanding sensations of desire that impel men towards orgasm are lacking.
But it is also about the woman!
Female partners of men with trouble ejaculating might be extremely dissatisfied with their man’s sexual performance!
One of the critical factors In delayed ejaculation is the fact that the man does not reach his natural climax during intercourse. And even if the woman is enjoying making love with him, she is deprived of a certain level of pleasure and satisfaction. This comes from knowing he finds her attractive enough to reach his natural climax during lovemaking.
So the way to get around this, of course, is to ensure that you pay attention to your partner during lovemaking and you give her orgasmic pleasure manually or orally before entering her. How do you do this? This book on delayed ejaculation gives complete information about how this can be achieved.