Difficulty In Ejaculating

Delays in reaching orgasm during sex are attributable to many causes for men. Mostly, this is not an issue of physical insensitivity of the penis, Usually, it’s about emotions. 

Specifically, what is most often seen in men with delayed ejaculation are a high level of (mostly repressed) anger, or fear, about intimacy, relationships, or women. To be blunt, some men are unable to form a close and intimate relationship with a woman because they have emotional issues towards women.

Often these are the consequences of some kind of emotional wound which they experienced during childhood. After all, not all children – in fact, very few – have an ideal upbringing. Some have a very hard upbringing, one which can  leave them feeling like they cannot trust other people. Or, perhaps, that it is somehow too dangerous to get emotionally close. Sometimes this hidden fear can prevent a man enjoying the elemental intimacy and sexual closeness of intercourse.

And this may manifest as an inability to ejaculate.

Sometimes men disconnect from their own emotional feelings, and engage in sex in a disassociated way. What this means is that those men will feel remote, defensive or boundaried to their sexual partners.

Delayed ejaculation for a woman – video

Much work has been done over the years by various psychologists and therapists on what causes delayed ejaculation. However, we are still far from a complete understanding. 

Is there a treatment for delayed ejaculation that works?

The best treatment option seems to be sensate focus. This helps to connect a man with the physical arousal in his body; in turn this  will enable him to reach the point of no return more easily.

And that is the nature of delayed ejaculation: a man does not respond to the sexual stimuli that he’s receiving enough to get him aroused.  

Approaches to Delayed Ejaculation (DE)

Orgasm and ejaculation in men are two separate processes that often happen at the same time. Confused? Then read this Good In Bed Mini-guide by Dr. Michael A. Perelman, a sex therapist and co-director of the Human Sexuality Program at Cornell Hospital in New York City.

Men with delayed ejaculation may get physiologically aroused when with a partner, but they are mentally disconnected and cannot focus enough to achieve a climax. Some reasons for this include: not wanting to get a woman pregnant, bottled-up anger, and a need to be in control. This helpful new book explains more about this.

Medication that treats erectile dysfunction such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis often reduce the amount of stimulation required for a man to achieve an erection. However, this makes some men to think they are sufficiently turned-on to enjoy sex to climax when in fact they are not.

The reason for this is that although they have a physical sign of being sexually excited (an erection), they are not emotionally and psychologically aroused. (This lack of arousal is a characteristic of delayed ejaculation even when Viagra or similar medications are not being used.)

We often think of men getting erections merely from the thought of sex, let alone physical touch. Partners generally think, “If he has an erection, he wants to have sex. If he is not hard, then something must be wrong.” The same is true for male orgasm. If a man does not climax, his partner may take it personally. In these instances, it is not uncommon for a woman to question her own attractiveness, or to feel angry and resentful, or experience a range of other emotions. (See this for more details.) And this site explains the interpersonal dynamics of sexual relationships.

Psychosocial and cultural factors often play a significant role in cases of delayed ejaculation. For example, religions that are extremely structured and strict in their views related to sexuality can often prevent men and women from learning about and experiencing sexual pleasure. (This includes those in which masturbation and/or sex outside of marriage is forbidden or discouraged.) Ultimately, this can hinder both men and women’s sexual self-expression when they wish to become sexually active.

Or, their shame and guilt can inhibit them from truly immersing themselves mentally and emotionally in the experience of sex. Some men will even develop “idiosyncratic” masturbation styles that are a cause of delayed ejaculation later in life. These require more friction than usual, so a man conditions himself to reach orgasm through a harsh or unusual style of self-stimulation.  (Read more here.)

What does sex mean to you – letting go or greater control?

Control issues frequently play a role in delayed ejaculation (check out the causes here). Generally speaking, there are men who have trouble letting go and experiencing pleasure in various aspects of their life—including their sex life. There are also some men who do not use their mind to enhance arousal, and always rely on routine types of touch to get turned-on.

Men might not even be aware they are mentally disconnected or aware that their enjoyment of sex could be better.  The critical missing piece is the ability to be mentally immersed in the experience of sex, and forge a sexually intimate connection with their partner.

Video – delayed ejaculation

But what does delayed ejaculation really mean?

Our sexual health is a barometer of our overall health, and delayed ejaculation can be a sign that something else is not functioning properly. 

For example, for men who take anti-depressants that raise serotonin levels may find sex becomes less rewarding. But men do not have to choose between sanity and a sex life! These are the kinds of issues which can be discussed with an experienced, emotionally mature doctor. 

Also: when a man masturbates, he may use significantly higher levels of pressure and friction than sexual intercourse provides. So, he may get used to a different kind of physical feeling. To make matters worse, age can exacerbate the situation, as older men often experience an increase in the time it takes to reach orgasm and ejaculate.

Self deception – and partner deception!

Contrary to conventional wisdom, men can fake orgasms, and often do without detection. Faking it is actually pretty easy when using a condom. And even if a man is having sex without a condom, he can likely come up with an excuse like, “Well I came, there just wasn’t a lot.”

Not talking about delayed ejaculation with a partner can negatively affect each partner and the relationship. And men with delayed ejaculation may feel anxious about their sexual performance, develop low sexual self-esteem, and face other emotional consequences. Their sexual partners may question their own attractiveness, feel angry and resentful, and experience a range of other emotions.

The good news is that talking about delayed ejaculation is not really that difficult: it is easy to get a conversation going by saying something like, “Hey, I feel awkward I take so long to reach orgasm!” This is non-blaming and opens the door to mutual understanding and exploration. By talking about delayed ejaculation and being aware of the factors that can cause it, couples can strengthen their relationship and get back to enjoying an intimate sexual connection.

It can take a lot of courage to seek help for delayed ejaculation. But  in the end it is always worth it.